The Smell of Strawberries and the Night Sky
by brumal
Summary: At first, Rei hated the way Nagisa kept hanging on him and pestering him. It annoyed him and made him uncomfortable because he was never the type of person who would physically touch someone unless he knew them very well. So when the blond kept tugging on his arm and clothing, tackling him from behind, and leaning against him, he was really upset. But then he got used to it.


**A/N**: If you would like to share this story on Tumblr, please reblog it directly from my blog! There's a link to my Tumblr on my account page. Please look through my "Story" tag to find it! Thank you.

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At first, Rei hated the way Nagisa kept hanging on him and pestering him. It annoyed him and made him uncomfortable because he was never the type of person who would physically touch someone unless he knew them very well. But even then, those cases were few and in-between. Physical contact was something he generally avoided. So when the blond kept tugging on his arm and clothing, tackling him from behind, and leaning against him, he was really upset.

But then he got used to it. It took a while, but Rei accepted that Nagisa was a naturally warm and clingy person. He did it to everyone, so it wasn't as if he was being especially targeted. Somehow, he managed to deal with it.

Sometimes—but not always—all it took was for him to place a hand on Nagisa's arm, and the boy would slip off, quickly floating away to Makoto or Haruka like a jellyfish being carried away by a current. Other times, he would hook his arms around his waist and nuzzle his face against his side, a needy cat who insisted on being pet.

He was always talking too, like he couldn't live with silences that lasted more than two minutes. It didn't matter to the blond what he talked about, so long as there was something to be said. His topics were mostly about him or what he thought. Rei didn't believe it was particularly that he didn't care about other people's opinions or purposefully brushed them aside, but it was just easier for him to go on at length about the things that immediately concerned him.

Which led to his own ideas being drowned out half the times.

That, he was used to as well. No one really had the time to stick around for his long-winded explanations on mathematical theories and philosophical conclusions, but Nagisa was especially disinterested. Like how they would more-or-less stop paying attention to Amakata-sensei when she started quoting obscure writers or philosophers, Nagisa's eyes often glazed over and wandered off somewhere when Rei talked for too long. He had gotten it down to an art though, because he always could tell when the taller boy was about to wrap up. Just before then, his focus would return, he would smile and nod, and it would be as if he had been intently listening the entire time.

Rei knew better than that though. Of course he hadn't been paying attention.

The blond also had a tendency to gloss over large issues and dismiss them with a smile and a "Don't worry about it, Rei-chan!"

At first, it was okay. They weren't anything beyond friends so Rei didn't expect anything from Nagisa, and it wasn't like he should have anyway.

Besides that, sometimes, when he was feeling genuinely worried, there was nothing anyone else could do to console him about it. He knew that wasn't the proper way of going about in life, to mull and fuss over something constantly, but Rei was only human and his natural disposition was to worry.

He didn't blame Nagisa for not paying closer attention to his distress during the summer, when they had gone on their Training from Hell on a Deserted (But Not Really) Island Regime. Even after Makoto had talked to him and tried to soothe his worries, he still did a regretful thing, so it was really no one's fault. It still stung a little, how quickly the blond left him after he gave him a dubious, verbal affirmation of his well-being. In the back of his mind, he kind of wished that Nagisa had gone a little more out of his way to reassure him.

But what he did after the event was more than enough to heal over that small bruise. Nagisa never blamed Rei for almost dying and killing Makoto because of his own uncertainty. He had even defended him from Haruka's scolding.

Aside from that, Nagisa's borderline-inappropriate enthusiasm at the lighthouse was appreciated too. He kept the mood upbeat (at the slight expense of Rei's suffering), but everyone was able to remain calm because of his make-believe adventures and playful suggestions.

He shouldn't be angry, because it really wasn't Nagisa's fault. That's what Rei kept telling himself.

But the situation was different now. His worry and stress had been festering for a long time, and they were soon coming to a head.

He never said anything about it, but he always felt out of place in the Iwatobi swim team.

Haruka, Makoto, and Nagisa had known each other for so long that their bonds ran understandably deep. Rei, no matter how he looked at it and was reassured about it, was only an outsider. An outsider that Nagisa had persistently and enthusiastically dragged into their circle.

He had none of the memories or experiences they shared, happy or sad. The only thing he could do was make new ones with the other three. But every time he heard about Rin—whether obliquely from Haruka and Makoto, because it was a painful topic to bring up and Haruka always looked even more listless when they did—or directly from Nagisa, who mindlessly prattled on about what they did when they were younger, something cracked deep in his chest.

It was stupid, he kept trying to tell himself, to fret about things that have already passed and that he couldn't alter. However, his self-depreciating words did nothing to soothe the ache that grew and tore at him with each passing day.

He always wondered if he was dragging the team down with his sub-par swimming, which he sometimes believed was barely beyond flapping in the water like a lost soul trying to find a way out of Hell. Rei occasionally sat at his desk with his eyes trained on a new swimming-related advice book, but his mind wandered everywhere except over the contents of the text.

On days where he wasn't feeling very well, he constantly asked himself if, maybe, he was just a replacement for Rin. If he was, he thought, then he was a very poor one indeed. But then, his mind drifted to how Nagisa had initially chased after him everywhere, all but saying, "If it's not Ryugazaki-kun, then it's no good!" and his heart would flutter a little, mend itself, and then settle down again.

Then time dragged on, and even remembering that wasn't enough to keep him afloat in the quickly-blackening sea of worry and self-inadequacy. This was especially aggravated as the team participated and advanced in their first tournament together, and the issue of Rin was continuously brought up over and over again.

Rei knew that the subject was important to Haruka and, since the entire team was practically formed for his sake, he wanted to know what made this Rin person so significant. He simply couldn't understand.

Unlike his beloved theories and reasons, he couldn't comprehend what made Rin so special to them. Was it the memories? Or maybe the long-lost feelings they were all grasping to remember again? He didn't know. He had never met this Rin person before, so he couldn't have known.

More than ever, instead of seeking for the reason "How?" like he had for his entire life, he wanted to know "Why?"

It had bothered him so much, and he thought that Nagisa understood that. He wasn't sure what he wanted from the blond. At the same time he wanted to be left alone, he wanted someone to address his issues. It was selfish of him, but he just wanted someone to _care_.

But when all Nagisa did was keep telling him to stop worrying, he became more and more upset.

How could Nagisa not see how much the problem was bothering him? It was clear, wasn't it? Rei thought it was.

He was okay with it when they were going home on the train after school. The blond had noticed that he wanted some space and respectfully stayed a seat from him instead of trying to shove Rei's backpack on the floor and press his shoulders against him. For a while, they sat in silence until the smaller boy glanced at him and finally decided to speak up.

Rei was deep in thought when Nagisa called out to him, asking him what was wrong. When he told him why he was confused and that he wanted to know what Rin was doing by joining the 200-medley relay, he only received lukewarm reassurances from the other.

The issue bothered him throughout the next day too, until Haruka finally spoke up and offered to explain to him what had happened between him and Rin. Rei was grateful for Haruka's kindness and willingness to share with him and everyone else that precious part of himself, which he had been keeping a secret all this time.

He felt as if he could finally understand a little of what was going on and that he really was part of the team now, but it was still not enough. It wasn't enough, he wasn't sure why, and it was bothering him to no end.

So when he sat at the train station waiting for the train to take them back home that night, and Nagisa once again tried to soothe him by telling him to stop fussing, he couldn't hold back anymore.

He couldn't understand how the blond could so nonchalantly tell him to be calm about something so big. The issue was clearly unresolved, and it was affecting everyone. And yet, as if it would go away if they didn't talk about it, no one addressed it directly.

Rei felt like he had to do something. It wasn't a matter of whether or not it was in his place to, but it was more of a moral obligation.

When Nagisa told him to stop worrying because they didn't plan to involve him in it, he snapped.

Past the ringing in his ears, he vaguely remembered yelling, "How can you say that when I'm already involved?" and seeing Nagisa flinch.

And everything he had been holding back flooded out.

Frustration which had built up over the course of months—from the time he joined the club to this very crucial moment—spilled over. His chest hurt because he knew it wasn't Nagisa's fault. It wasn't anyone's fault but his own, but he couldn't deal with it anymore.

For once in his life, Nagisa was silent.

"You're the one who dragged me into this, Nagisa-kun! If it hadn't been you who kept chasing me and badgering me to join the swim club, I wouldn't be here! We're a team now, and you can't just push me aside when it's convenient.

"All I hear from you is 'Rin-chan, Rin-chan, Rin-chan'! Who is he? Why is he so important? Does he mean so much to you all that I don't even matter anymore? Are you not happy enough with me that you have to bring him up every other second? And what about Haruka-senpai and Makoto-senpai?"

His breath burned in his throat and tears prickled at his eyes, but he didn't let them fall.

This was not beautiful. This thick, roiling emotion the color and consistency of tar. He was not beautiful.

But the bitterness that burned in him was clawing its way out of his constricted ribcage, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. Acidic words he never thought he was capable of stringing together tumbled from his lips without pause or rest. Even as he said them, he could tell exactly how much they stung and hurt. It hurt him to say them too, but he couldn't stem them.

"Everyone's edging around this as if it will solve itself if we leave it alone, but that's clearly not going to happen!

"I'm just as much a part of this problem as any of you are, because it affects me too! Do you mean to only let me be a part of the team so long as you feel like it? Do you think I'd just stick around for the good parts and leave when things get sour?

"You think that all you have to do is say, 'Don't worry!' and everything will be okay. Do you even care about how I feel? Or are you only keeping me around because I'm entertaining for you? If that's the case, then I'm tired of being your plaything!

"I don't care if you were joking or not when I told you to take responsibility, but I wouldn't be here if not for you, _so take responsibility_!"

Nagisa's ice cream had begun to drip onto his hand and to the floor, but he was making no move to clean it up. His eyes were wide and glassy and fixed on Rei's countenance. He hadn't moved a single muscle from the second Rei had bolted up from his seat.

Dryly, Rei swallowed, his hands fisted at his sides and shaking.

A cheery jingle cut through the stiff silence which followed Rei's outburst.

_The train heading for N is now arriving at platform two. For your safety, please stand behind the yellow line._

It repeated itself before the announcement changed.

_This train consists of six cars. Please stand at the designated spots to board the tr…_

They could hear the train approaching before the voice stopped.

Rei squared his shoulders and walked toward the edge of the line to board the train.

The blond's ice cream was a lost cause, and he hastily took out a plastic bag from his pocket and shoved the dripping mess in. He tried to wipe his hand off the best he could with a handkerchief as well, but it was still sticky by the time the train pulled to a stop in front of them.

Even though it was late, there were still a considerable amount of people riding it.

The doors slid open, and the announcements kept rolling through the stale and awkward air between Rei and Nagisa. Some people stepped out, and the two of them stood to the side to let them pass before heading in.

Rei headed straight toward the middle of the car and stood close to a single, empty seat. He didn't sit in it, but merely grabbed of one of the overhead handles. No one else was entering the car, and he was making no move to take the seat, so Nagisa just nervously sat down with his hands in his lap.

The train was silent, and Nagisa didn't say anything.

Rei refused to look at him but out of the corners of his eyes, he could see the blond fidgeting. Part of him regretting snapping at the Nagisa, but the greater half of him still broiled in anger.

How could Nagisa have said something as thoughtless and insulting as "we don't plan to involve you"? Did he really mean so little to the rest of them that he didn't even deserve to share their bitter and sweet moments?

Again, he swallowed, hoping that it would get rid of the lump in his throat.

It really did hurt, always hearing Nagisa go on about how great and wonderful it was when Rin was still part of the team. And how he would praise the other's butterfly stroke. He remembered. Even after all those years, he remembered how incredible it was to swim with him, and Rei just didn't want to hear about it anymore.

There was something wrong with how much pain he was feeling from this, but he couldn't help it.

The stops passed by, and people continued to get off. No one was boarding anymore, but even as the entire train more-or-less emptied out, Rei didn't take a seat. A few times, it seemed like Nagisa wanted to speak up, but he didn't.

It was one more stop until Rei had to get off.

… _The doors on the right side will open. Please be careful not to get your hands caught in the doors as they open_.

The train slowed and came to a stop. Chiming rings accompanied the sliding of the opening door. Outside, a voice announced the destination name twice.

Rei silently stepped off, and Nagisa got up from his seat stiffly, running after him. The bespectacled boy didn't wait for him but quickened his pace to the ticket gate. He took out his wallet and swiped it, barely paying attention to the beep that let him go out.

He was walking out in the crisp night air by the time Nagisa caught up, his shoes hitting the gravel underfoot lightly.

"Rei-chan!" he cried out, voice high with urgency.

All the same, he didn't turn around.

"Rei-chan, wait! I—" he ran in front of the taller boy and stepped in front of him. His eyes and nose were red, and his bag of melted ice cream swung haphazardly in his hands.

He stopped walking and leered at the boy. It was just them and the light of a nearby lamppost. Everyone else was in their homes sleeping.

Nagisa's eyes were bright with emotion as he spoke. "I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't mean that. That's not…" he swallowed when his voice broke off, "that's not what I meant."

Rei's throat constricted as well, as he watched the other boy hold back tears.

None of this was beautiful.

Not Nagisa—who he only ever saw being silly, laughing, and teasing—standing with such a pain-twisted expression. Not Nagisa's words, which quavered and shook in the air like leaves clinging onto a branch. Not the way his nose and eyes and throat burned. Not the jealousy—it was jealousy, he realized—that made him want to tear his chest out.

None of this was beautiful at all.

"I'm sorry if that's how I've been making you feel, but that's never what I meant. You're important to all of us. Haru-chan said so, right? And you said so too: we're a team now, so you're part of us. I just didn't want to have you worry about something that was never your fault.

"It's no one's fault, but it's definitely not yours. It hurts seeing you so concerned and knowing that there's nothing I can do about it," Nagisa's words spilled out of him quickly, as if he was afraid Rei would stop listening if he paused for even a second. "I thought maybe you would feel better if I tried to make you laugh or have you forget about it. I just wanted you to be happy again, Rei-chan. I just wanted…."

Suddenly, the words tapered off and Nagisa dropped his head. Everything about him slumped, and Rei didn't know what to do. The fire in him snuffed out almost immediately, and his chest lurched as a sudden thread of protectiveness laced through him.

"Don't hate me," the boy whispered coarsely. His voice barely squeezed out from his tight throat. "Rei-chan, please don't hate me.

"You mean so much to all of us, and we couldn't have come so far without you. I'm sorry if it seemed like I didn't care about you or your feelings. I never saw you as a plaything. Always—always, I thought about how much you meant to us… to me. How much _you _cared about everyone, and I just….

"I like you so much, Rei-chan, so please don't hate me."

His voice cracked and became an airy gasp by the end of the sentence, and Nagisa crumbled to the floor. He crouched down and wrapped his arms around his bent knees, bag of ice cream still dangling from his tightly fisted fingers.

As sharp, hitching gasps came from the curled form of the blond, Rei stood frozen.

Stiffly, his feet brought him forward to the boy. He knelt down, his knee digging into the loose gravel and bracing his weight. His heart was beating fast.

There was no mistaking Nagisa's words and their meaning, and Rei felt so stupid for not having realized them earlier. The ugly feeling in his chest finally faded away as he reached out and touched Nagisa on the shoulder.

His voice shook when he spoke. "Nagisa-kun."

Clear, magenta eyes looked up at him hesitantly. Nagisa blinked, and a warm tear dropped from his lashes and dripped down his cheek. Unlike the crocodile tears that still tricked Rei every time, these were real.

This was the boy who was so earnest about everything he did, whether it was swimming, talking, or crying. There was no such thing as "holding back" when it came to Nagisa, and, here and now, as he looked back at Rei with a quivering mouth and snot running out of his nose, the taller boy thought he was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

"I'm sorry," he said, his fingers gripping more tightly into Nagisa's shoulder. "I overreacted. I didn't know that was what you were trying to do. I should've known," Rei continued, a shaky smile pulling the edges of his lips up, "that you were just trying to make me feel better." His eyes dropped, ashamed of what he had said earlier. "I always assumed that you just didn't care."

"Of course I caaaare!" Nagisa wailed, breaking out in unrestrained sobbing. "I care so much about what Rei-chan thinks and does and worries about! Uwaaah!"

Even though they were crouching out in front of a train station, Rei didn't care as he leaned forward and fiercely hugged Nagisa. He didn't even worry about whether or not someone saw them in such a situation.

His glasses pressed uncomfortably against the side of his face as he buried it in Nagisa's neck and shoulder, but he did nothing about it. He just tightened his arms around the smaller boy. Nagisa released the bag, dropped both his knees to the ground until they were flushed chest-to-chest, and dug his fingers greedily into Rei's sweater.

"Thank you," Rei whispered. "I'm sorry."

He kept repeating those two phrases over and over while Nagisa dripped tears and sobs onto his shoulder, hiccups and cries falling freely from his lips.

Nagisa's hair grew damp as well as tears began to fall from Rei's eyes.

He felt so relieved and touched by Nagisa's honest words. Rei couldn't remember the last time he was able to convey his feelings and worries to someone so clearly and have them returned and clarified to him tenfold over.

It was warm. Their position was awkward and painful, but it was so, so warm that Rei could do nothing but cry and smile.

After a few minutes, Nagisa's wails quieted down to soft breaths and whimpers. Rei pulled them both up—Nagisa hastily picked up his trash from the floor—and led them to a bench near the entrance of the station. They sat down, hands gripping together tightly.

Nagisa was the first to speak.

"I didn't know that's how you felt. I knew you were worried, but I didn't realize that you were hurting so much, Rei-chan…."

He squeezed Nagisa's fingers reassuringly. "I never said anything. I always just waited for you to notice. That wasn't fair of me. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been so selfish."

The silence sat with them for a while, and then Nagisa spoke up again. "Rei-chan isn't selfish. We all do that sometimes, right?" he smiled at their hands. "Wait for someone to notice them…. I'm sorry too. I didn't know what to say to you when you were upset, so I…."

"You did your best, but I was a jerk and didn't appreciate your efforts," Rei finished his sentence firmly.

Nagisa chuckled under his breath. "Well, yeah, a little," he said jokingly. He pressed his face against Rei's shoulder. "Sorry for taking so long to notice."

Rei paused. His surprised expression melted. "I'm sorry for taking so long to notice too."

The blond stiffened slightly. "… What do you mean?"

He rested his cheek on the crown of Nagisa's head.

"I always felt so frustrated with myself, because I thought I wasn't good enough for the team. After all, I didn't even know how to swim when I first joined. And even now, I barely can." He pushed on and didn't let Nagisa interrupt. "But I became even more upset when I kept hearing you only talk about 'Rin-chan.' It was as if you didn't even see me anymore."

Rei inhaled deeply, taking in the scent of the night sky, Nagisa's strawberry shampoo, the faint lingering of chlorine, and the musky smell of hotpot which clung onto them stubbornly.

"I was jealous, and I didn't even know why. But earlier, when you said… that you liked me," Rei smiled, and Nagisa tensed up even more, "I finally understood why."

Nagisa turned his face further into Rei's shirt to hide. His arm nudged up against his, and the grip on his hand was almost crushing.

"Nagisa-kun, I like you too."

The blond took a long, shuddery breath in. "I was so scared you hated me."

He took a hand and brushed Nagisa's wavy hair from his cheeks, his palm coming off damp. "No," he replied simply. "Never."

"I like you," Nagisa said softly. "I like you, I like you, I like you."

"I like you too."

Nagisa clung onto him and lifted his face. They were so close, Rei could see his faint eyelashes sticking together.

"Rei," Nagisa breathed out, dropping the suffix to his name, "I like you."

And then Rei leaned down completely by impulse, pressing their lips together softly. The second he realized what he did, his face burned but he didn't pull away.

They were still—so very still, except for their raspy breathing, impeded by stuffy noses and wet cheeks.

When they finally came apart, Rei was still stunned by his sudden burst of courage. Both of them were red in the face, but Nagisa was beaming. He hugged him tightly.

"I'm glad we were able to talk it out tonight," he said, voice muffled.

"Me too."

Crickets chirped softly into the night.

"Tomorrow," Rei started, his arms wrapped around Nagisa's shoulders, "I'm going to Samezuka."

Nagisa jumped. "You're going to see Rin-chan?"

He contemplated his answer. "I have to. If I don't, I won't be able to resolve my issues directly."

The blond nodded shortly. "I see. When will you go?"

"During practice."

"You're skipping practice?"

Rei didn't answer.

"I'll cover for you then," Nagisa said finally.

"Thanks."

Quietly, Nagisa hummed.

For a long time, they sat like that, embracing each other with drying eyes and itchy noses. But as the night dragged on, Rei began to get fidgety.

"Nagisa-kun, it's getting late, and you can't miss the last train back home."

"Five more minutes," he murmured into his shirt.

"… Are you falling asleep?" Rei asked incredulously.

The smaller boy hummed again. Rei almost couldn't believe it, but then again, he hadn't cried as passionately as Nagisa had. He must have been tired.

He pressed his nose against Nagisa's head and smiled.

Five more minutes, he thought, and then he would send him back home.

Just five more minutes with his now-boyfriend would be enough.

Behind them, a train rattled by and shuttled itself into the quietness of the night.

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**A/N**: If anyone's wondering why Nagisa kept holding onto his bag of ice cream and didn't just throw it away, it's because there _are no trash cans in Japan_. ;;w;;


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